She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
