You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
