he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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