i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
