If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
