my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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