the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
