I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
