I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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