grandma shit on top of the toilet
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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