So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
