i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
