Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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