There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
