Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
