I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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