He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
