your parents love me but you hate me
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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