I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
