Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
