Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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