I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
