Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
