Betty ford says i'm here all night
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
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the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
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He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
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