remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
