I showed him my bush... on skype.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize