If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think your dad took our porno
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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