Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We have so much sex to catch up on
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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