i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
