I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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