why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
