Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
