You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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