So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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