Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
birth control should be required to get into college
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
