Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
