im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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