im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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