Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
