We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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