Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
