At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
