i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
if only i could text you this smell
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
