So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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