Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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