you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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