It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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