People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
