Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
