if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
