U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Are my feet made of real feet?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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