im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
