Texts From Last Night

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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.

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  (443): My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth. http://tfl.nu/a6mm
  Replies (36) Good night (2681) Bad night (1045)
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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  (606): how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked. http://tfl.nu/j1kr
  Replies (20) Good night (1124) Bad night (4695)
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  (415): View more from California

  Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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  (415): Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila http://tfl.nu/mhdt
  Replies (8) Good night (1810) Bad night (2429)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life

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  (757): just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life http://tfl.nu/it50
  Replies (5) Good night (1040) Bad night (2421)
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  (661): View more from California

  He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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  (661): He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth! http://tfl.nu/q4tp
  Replies (23) Good night (2439) Bad night (1210)
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.

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  (606): This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles. http://tfl.nu/9xw7
  Replies (6) Good night (1436) Bad night (622)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?

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  (914): Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea? http://tfl.nu/04z0
  Replies (8) Good night (1304) Bad night (621)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago

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  (815): I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago http://tfl.nu/274p
  Replies (11) Good night (481) Bad night (2606)
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.

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  (229): I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party. http://tfl.nu/127h
  Replies (4) Good night (1087) Bad night (514)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl

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  (407): I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl http://tfl.nu/1s7i
  Replies (11) Good night (1760) Bad night (532)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"

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  (616): He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!" http://tfl.nu/zjl5
  Replies (1) Good night (684) Bad night (423)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.

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  (832): god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink. http://tfl.nu/rrfd
  Replies (2) Good night (1113) Bad night (480)
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  (408): View more from California

  We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.

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  (408): We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell. http://tfl.nu/gwk2
  Replies (6) Good night (1239) Bad night (324)
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  (818): View more from California

  Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID

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  (818): Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID http://tfl.nu/o6au
  Replies (2) Good night (245) Bad night (593)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.

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  (+44): Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again. http://tfl.nu/5f8v
  Replies (2) Good night (163) Bad night (419)

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