Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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