I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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