oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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