I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
